Okay, it’s been a couple weeks, and I want to talk about what’s been up.
On Fri, Oct 20th, I had what can only be described as one of the most powerful, moving, emotional, and beautiful performances I’ve had to date: I had a single release show, and reached all of the goals I’d set for it.
I'd spent so long and put so much heart into the show, when it ended, I suddenly found myself confused, unsure of how to proceed, and facing post-show letdown.
Letdown can be and often is experienced, not just in regards to musical performances, but in so many aspects of our lives. We work toward something, we feel motivated, the something takes place, and we feel lost, sad, confused, or other such difficult-to-tolerate emotions.
I knew it was likely I’d experience both immense happiness and some sadness after this show. As a self-care advocate, I planned for a week of nurturing after the show: I scheduled three days off. I made sure I had an easy week filled with down time and friends. I booked a well-deserved massage.
And still, I crashed, and harder than I expected to. I developed a cold and was unable to engage in my regular structure and routine. I experienced a brief and powerful depression, thinking to myself, “If I feel depressed after every big event, how am I ever going to create a sustainable life performing?”
I let myself stew in sorrow and self-pity for a few days, pondering: Can I ever make this sustainable?
Well, the reality is that a high-energy performance lifestyle will never be sustainable if I focus solely on the negative pieces and forget the positive.
So I made a choice to shut down defeating self-talk: I acknowledged my depression, emotions, and behaviors - and I forgave them. I could choose to hold on, to stew in hypothetical possibilities of what my future could look like. But what would that do?
We often tell ourselves that by ruminating and holding onto our negative experiences, we gain control, or will prevent ourselves from repeating those experiences. I have found the opposite to be true.
By choosing to let go, I allowed space for my heart to refill with the positive experiences I had that night. Embracing positive self-talk allowed me to let go of the letdown, get back on track, and take my power.
Downs are just as much a part of recovery as ups; recovery doesn’t mean everything is always perfect. Recovery, to me, means choosing to love oneself in all states, happy or sad, positive or negative, easy or hard.
I choose recovery, because #WeAreEnough, just as we are.