*PLEASE NOTE: The following may contain explicit language and content which could be found triggering.*
I don’t really know how to tell my story right now.
If you’ve been following me for awhile, you’ll know I used to have a different blog, a Tumblr page I used to express my inner thoughts and demons as I came to terms with the trauma I’d been through.
It was liberating and nerve-wracking to share my experiences. There were times I delved into details of my eating disorder experiences or manic thoughts patterns, or wrote open letters to those I’d felt abused by.
Eventually, I stopped writing that blog. It was therapeutic for me, helpful for some, and hard for others to swallow. My family and friends hadn’t known I was struggling so deeply. I'd felt such a strong obligation to hold up an “I have my shit together" perception that even the people close to me didn’t know how badly I was struggling.
Once I’d put those struggles into the world, I couldn’t hide from them anymore: I didn’t have my shit together and no matter how much I pretended, I wasn’t getting any closer to happiness or inner peace.
So I took down the blog and took a good, hard look at myself. I stepped away from work and began therapy with a PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) specialist, who has been guiding me through the pieces of myself I struggled with for so long.
And now, I feel ready to share those experiences from a new light: The light of recovery, of mending, of healing. The light of self-love, authenticity, and empowerment. But how do I share the experiences I’ve been through from that space of healing? I honestly don’t know. Is it possible to say, “I was raped,” or “I struggle with an eating disorder” from a positive standpoint?
I guess I’m realizing maybe I don’t have to be positive; maybe the best thing I can do with you guys is just be…me.
So, here's where I'm at: Currently, I fight day to day to maintain my stability. It’s new, it’s raw, and it’s emotional. It’s a period of self-discovery and vulnerability. I’m not here to claim I’ve recovered fully or have fully embraced my power.
I’m not an expert. I’m recovering, surviving, and figuring it out as I go. In a lot of ways, I know what I'm doing - and in a lot of ways, I don’t! And that is okay, because being where we are, right now, is a beautiful thing.
Let's be here, now, together. Join me as I claim my voice, my power, at Claiming Our Power: a Fundraiser for BARCC. Join me, and claim YOUR power, too.
The Burren, Somerville, MA
Featuring Hana Kahn, Ali McGuirk, and Jenee Halstead
5: Doors | 6: BARCC Speakers | 7: Music